Needing me

I’m happy that my baby now sleeps thru the night. He is ten months old today, time flies. Sometimes though, I wish he’d wake up, needing me. I miss that time together in the middle of the night, where his cries were comforted by my breast, I miss that precious time in the rocking chair. The annoyance that would creep over me just as I had laid down and he woke up for a feeding quickly vanished the minute I picked him up and held him to myself. I never thought I’d miss those days. I guess that’s the thing about being a mommy, every single day they grow up and need you just a little bit less. 10 months ago he literally couldn’t live without me. 1 month ago he couldn’t sleep without me. Right now he can’t go far or eat very much without me but every day he can go a little farther and feed himself a little bit more. And I keep wanting him to grow up. Everytime I have to pick up his heavy 25 lbs I think, Oh, I can’t wait until you can walk. Everytime I have to guess what he wants I think, Ugh, I can’t wait until you can talk. But everyday he needs me a little less and it hurts a little more. Some day he will be so grown up, he won’t even need me at all. He will marry some woman and I will just become the annoying mother in law. I never thought I’d be the type of mother to have these feelings. To want him to stay young, to want him to stay needing me, and I know those are not the things I really want for him, it must just be crazy maternal instinct or maybe maternal insanity is a better word. You grow to love something that came way too soon and forced you to give up everything you had going for yourself and you were just sure you would resent it for taking away your freedom and needing you ALL THE TIME but then you find yourself crying and blogging in the middle of the night because that little thing doesn’t need you to sleep anymore and it hurts to not be needed and it hurts even more to know that for the rest of his life, each day he's gonna need you, just a little bit less.