Happiness is not situational

I’m a stay at home mom, I count my blessings that I have a husband who will work hard enough to support the entire family on our own. I count my blessings that I also have a husband who is a fantastic cook, and therefore does the majority of the cooking. But he is still a husband and therefore a man. This morning I was starting to crack, no, for awhile now I have been starting to crack, I have been a stay at home Mom for 10 months now and my house is still not organized like I thought it would be, I still have not figured out how to keep the refrigerator and the bank account full, I still am toting around 30 of the 80 lbs I gained even though I run at least three times a week and am breastfeeding (cause you know “if you breastfeed the weight just falls off” – not true, not true at all) and I still can’t seem to book any solid acting jobs, though I kind of blame those pesky thirty pounds. I can’t even get pregnant with baby #2, but I blame the nursing. I seem to be failing at everything. I tried to open up to my husband this morning about my feelings and how I feel as if I have lost my freedom. He has not. I know from his viewpoint he definitely has lost some freedom, but from mine, as we all only see our side, he hasn’t lost any – he still gets to get up when he wants, go to work, take a lunch when possible, this can sometimes be alone or with friends, after work he’s free to run errands, go to the store, the gas station, the bank, all without putting someone in and out of the carseat. I can do none of these things, I can’t even do a number 2 without thinking about my priority number 1, my little one. I have lost my freedom and I am starting to crack. When I opened up to him about this this AM, when I was up at 7:30 to take care of the baby and Daddy was still sleeping, , he exploded, like men do, thinking I was coming at him for not doing enough, then he started blaming the baby, saying he needs to be left alone more, etc. etc. After some dramatic shenanigans of my own where I said stupid things like “Don’t worry, I will never open up to you again, I learned my lesson I just need to always pretend to be fine!!!”. I was able to calm down and remind him, that this is no ones fault, its not the babies, its not his and its not mine, I just needed to be heard for a moment, I just needed to speak out all the craziness that was running through my head and maybe just cry a little and be held?

I have this joke with a friend of mine that I shall someday write a book entitled “I turn to Jesus, when my husband disappoints me (which is all the time)”. As my husband failed to grab and hold me and dry my tears, I started to look up and was quickly reminded that happiness is not situational. I thought if I changed my situation, I would find happiness. Before I became a SAHM I was working 40+ hours a week as an accountant and chasing my acting dream. I was managing to get out on one audition a week and at least book one job a financial quarter. But I was miserable and felt pulled in so many directions. So I changed my situation, taking advantage of an unplanned pregnancy as an opportunity to escape an unhappy workplace and thought now I will find happiness. Now I will successfully chase and catch my dream. But I find myself changing diapers, and chasing a little one. It was so easy when I was working to blame people for my unhappiness or lack of success, I could blame my boss or my coworkers for my sadness. Now who do I have to blame? I guess it’s easy to look out at my husband and see the things he’s not doing, or the things he didn’t have to give up, but who is that helping? I need to be looking inward, looking at myself, my selfishness, my laziness, my unhappiness. I need to fix those things. I have changed my situation and I still have an undercurrent of unhappiness, whats the constant? Me. I need to look up and in instead of out at others.

While at the gym my husband sent me the sweetest text, apologizing for not being more sympathetic. Apology accepted. But the good thing about when my husband disappoints me, I turn to Jesus. :)